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Not Time - Challenge #1

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« on: August 08, 2007, 09:02:47 pm »

So, I was listening to the new Korn album and one song seem to scream out "inspiration" somehow... so I ran with it.  Here's hoping the story doesn't suck (writing through writer's block is a risky thing).  I welcome any critique or comment, as usual.



Some deny and search for things that never come around
Do I feel like a fool?


“Face it, Restin,” the man jeered, kicking dirt onto the man laying on the ground.  “You’ll never make it as a soldier.”

Restin lay on his back staring at the sky, as clouds drifted lazily by.  The training sword he wield lay beside him, dropped after his defeat by the local show-off, Gregor.  He knew he would have a bruise on his back from where Gregor’s wooden blade had struck, but he didn’t mind too much.  He knew he was bound to be a great soldier…he just needed more practice.

He clenched his eyes shut and reviewed all his defeats.  He had yet to win a duel and had more bruises and gashes than he would care to admit.  Maybe Gregor was right…maybe he wasn’t cut out for this.

The places I have ran to all my life have disappeared
And I owe this all to you


Restin felt the sun’s light disappear from his face and when he opened his eyes, he saw the silhouette of someone standing over him.  They reached a hand forward, to offer to help him up.

“I believe in you.”

The voice was female and quite possibly the most beautiful voice he had ever heard.  He placeD his hand in hers and allowed her to guide him to his feet.  He looked at the woman and saw a radiant young woman, with long, red hair and radiant green eyes.  She smiled and all his pain melted away.

“I-I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure…” Restin said, trying to sound proper.

“My name is Esmerelda.  You are Restin, correct?”

“I am.  How do you know my name?”

“I’ve heard it mentioned by many of the young soldiers.  They seem to be skeptical of your abilities…”

“I’m starting to doubt it as well,” Restin said, bending down and scooping up his false blade.  “Everyone’s always one step ahead of me, it seems.”

“Why do you want to be a soldier so badly?”

“My father is a great general.  He’s respected throughout the land.  I want so much to be like him…”

“Then don’t give up.  Keep fighting opponents.  Eventually, you’ll learn how to anticipate their moves and beat them.  I’ll be cheering for you.”

****

I'm feeling like I'm sinking
And nothing's there to catch me, keep me breathing


Restin continued challenging his opponents and being beaten.  Esmerelda was there, cheering for him as she promised, but it never seemed enough.  With each challenge, his opponents beat him harder than before.  Gregor was particularly vicious, leaving him bleeding and unable to move, after a massive beating.

What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail


Restin lay motionless on the ground, blood rolling slowly from his numerous wounds and tears silently streaming from his eyes.  Esmerelda knelt beside him and lightly stroked his hair.  He instantly relaxed and felt slightly empowered by her presence.

“You’re doing well, Restin.  You’re almost there…”

Restin picked himself up to a sitting position and turned to look at Esmerelda.  “I don’t think I could have gone this long with out you.”

“Every soldier needs someone to care about in order to truly want to fight,” she said with a smile.

“I hope you do not think it forward of me to say that I am rather smitten with you,” Restin said with a smirk.

Esmerelda blushed, but said nothing.  Restin leaned in to kiss the young maiden, but at the last second she turned and his lips fell upon her cheek.

Why can't this kiss be true
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand why you always push me away


Restin seemed wounded.  “Do you not share the attraction between us?”

“You are very dear to me, Restin,” she said, “We share an unbreakable bond.  But it is not time.  That time is fast approaching.  Be patient.”

****

The last thing I would like to do before I go away
is cry there next to you


Restin began winning fights.  His confidence grew and with it, so did his prowess with the blade.  Eventually he even surpassed Gregor, thrashing his former bully to the point of submission.  He repeatedly attempted to woo Esmerelda into marriage, but her response was always the same.  It was “not time”.

As Restin’s fame as a soldier grew, his relationship with Esmerelda grew more distant.  Her repeated rejections were beginning to grate on the young man.  Many women in the city were taking note of his skills and stature, but he was still obsessed with the radiant red-haired maiden.

Meeting in a park, he sat down beside her on a wooden bench, dressed in the armor of a royal soldier.  She was gorgeous, as always, in a long flowing white gown.

“Esmerelda, it feels as if we have known each other for ages and we’ve been through so much together.”

“I know.  You’ve made me very proud, Restin.  I knew you had greatness in you.”

“Yet, with all we’ve endured together, you still block all my advances.  Why?”

Esmerelda’s smile faltered.  “I wish I could explain it…but it’s not-“

“Not yet time…I know…” Restin said.  His head leaned heavy against his chest and clenched his hands tightly, as his emotions waged war inside.

Cry and talk about the good old days and where they've gone
And now how much I hate you


“It’s driving me mad, Esmerelda.  I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you and yet you reject my every advance.  I can’t stand it.  So this will be the last time I ask.  Esmerelda, will you marry me?”

What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail
Why can't this kiss be true
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand why you always push me away


Restin leaned in to seal the contract of marriage with a kiss, but at the last moment, she turned away once more.

“I…I can’t.  It’s not time…”

Restin sighed and wiped away a tear that hand begun to form in his eye.  “I’m sorry, Esmerelda…I’m afraid this is goodbye then.  I can’t spend my entire life pursuing a woman who refuses to be had.  I hope you find happiness in another.”

Esmerelda’s eyes went wide and stared at Restin, eyes welling with tears, before standing and running away.

****

Later that evening, the door to the barracks flew open and the general barged in.

“We’re under attack!  Suit up, lads!”

All the soldiers dressed quickly in their armor and grabbed their blades before charging out to the city gates.  A large force of soldiers advanced in a column toward the city.  The enemy was silhouetted by the setting sun as they halted their forward approach and fanned out before the wall.

“Who do you represent?” the general called out.  “What claim do they have with this city?”

The air was dead silent.  The enemy stared blankly forward, saying nothing.

“Speak!  I would aim to solve this diplomatically, if we can, rather than spilling blood on both sides.”

The knight centered in the enemy ranks merely pointed to the city walls and the enemy horde descended on the soldiers.

“Repel the invaders!  Defend the city!” the general cried, waving his men forward.

Restin charged in, bellowing as he ran.  He swung his sword high as he collided with the first of the enemy ranks.  He watched as the helmet fell away from the enemy’s armor, but noticed that there was no body inside.

“Animated suits of armor?” he asked aloud.

His eyes frantically scanned the battlefield.  His fellow soldiers were battling the large number of enemy soldiers that were pressing into their ranks.  He assumed they were all animated as well.  His eyes settled on the knight that led this engagement.  He stood tall in a deep crimson colored suit of full plate.  Hoping to end the battle before it really began, Restin waded through the enemy ranks to get to the leader of the enemy forces.  With surprisingly little opposition, Restin strode up in front of the enemy knight.

“You have no business in my city.  Take your mindless automatons and leave,” Restin challenged.  The knight said nothing.  He only raised his sword and leveled it at the young soldier’s head.

Restin lunged in with his sword in a complex series of attacks.  The crimson knight anticipated each one, deftly batting the sword aside each time.  Restin pushed inward, trying to knock the metal clad soldier off balance.  Instead, the knight side-stepped and kept his sword at the ready.

“How does he know my every move?” Restin thought to himself.  Trying something new, Restin rushed in with a flurry of swings.  The knight finally reacted, studying this new attack, parrying when needed, otherwise letting the sword bounce harmlessly off his armor.  After being on the defensive for the entire fight, the knight lunged forward and took advantage of a gap Restin left in his defenses.

I feel the blood drip off my body as it falls right there
on the ground
What am I now?

What am I now?
What am I now?


Restin stood shocked for a moment.  He wasn’t entirely sure what had happened.  His sword slipped from his numb fingers as he looked down to see the hilt of the crimson knight’s sword erupting outward from his chest.  The knight still tightly gripped the blade in a mailed fist as the darkened visor glared at him impassively.

What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head unto
Something I know I will fail


Restin should have let his father handle the commander, rather than trying to be a hero.  The pain in his chest asserted itself as he felt his blood escaping the newfound hole in his torso.  His mouth was open, contorted in a grimace of pain.  The crimson knight used his free hand to grasp his helmet and pull it off his head.  Hair as red as the knight's armor spilled out from underneath as his eyes locked onto the green eyes he had loved for so long.

“I’m sorry, Restin.  I asked you to be patient.  It didn’t have to be like this.”

Restin mouthed Esmerelda’s name, as he couldn’t gain purchase on enough air to speak it.

The red-haired beauty looked to the horizon to see the blood-red sun setting on the mountaintops.

“Now it’s time.”

Why can't this kiss be true
Why won't you please let me through?
I don't understand why you always push me away


Esmerelda leaned toward him and released her grip on her sword.  The blood-soaked hand lightly caressed the side of Restin’s face.  For a moment, the pain disappeared.  The battle was nowhere nearby and they were back in the park.  Her lips closed in agonizingly slow.  The soft, slightly moist skin of her lips brushed against his own and it felt like lightning lanced through his body.

Her lips closed on his and it was like every dream he had ever had.  The taste of her lips was like a delicacy and his every muscle yearned for her.  Her tongue snaked its way between his lips and he welcomed it with unadulterated lust. 

As the throes of passion were just setting in, a searing pain erupted in his chest.  His eyes shot open and met the gaze of Esmerelda.  Gone were the vibrant eyes he could get lost in and replaced with something darker, more sinister.  His extremities grew cold and the world became dark.  He felt his soul wrenched from his body and sucked into a black abyss, where he would nourish the demon until the next generation.

Words in Blue Italics are the lyrics of “Kiss” by Korn
« Last Edit: August 09, 2007, 05:25:14 pm by ArchonSildarax » Report Spam   Logged

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Tau Worlock
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2007, 09:49:00 am »

*sinister laughter*
When I got to the attack my mind was saying that she was the knight, so I guess this a bit cliché. When you described the automates I had this sudden vision that Restin would be turned into one.

The song itself only is about one thing as far as I can tell, but you used it to correspond with two different parts, Restins hurts when he can’t win, and his feelings for Esmerelda.

Restin looks ok as a character, he wants Esmerelda but she refuses him, so he trains more so that he can win, to impress her. So that she will accept him. Her refusal and delay is really hurting him, more than the humiliation and losses he suffered when he was training.

Esmerelda on the other hand does not show much character, she is withdrawn, we see her supporting Restin, but she still seems distance.

To my mind armor should be armour, but you do that so often I am guessing that armor is a writing difference between English English and American continent English.

Talking of spelling

Quote
“I’ve heard it mentioned by many of the young soldiers.  They seem to be skeptical of your abilities…”

Should it be sceptical?

Quote
He only raised his sword and leveled it at the young soldier’s head.

Levelled me thinks

Quote
After being on the defensive for the entire fight, the knight lunged forward and took advantage of a gap Restin left in his defenses.

defences ?

Quote
He looked at the woman and saw a radiant young woman,

Restin charged in, bellowing as he charged.

Spot the problem with these sentences? You have the same word twice in each sentence, to close for them to read right. When I read this I had the felling several times but could only find these two when I went to look.

The story has its week points, Restins rise happens to quickly, the response to the enemy army seemed detached.

It is growing late, maybe I can think of more in the morning.

the Blue was hard to read on the computer since the background was so dark, maybe use a lighter tone.
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