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The Awesome Rant Thread [So swearific your head will explode from the swearing.]

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Seer Fox
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« on: September 09, 2007, 02:57:32 am »

 

See this chick? This is **** Samus Aran.

She ain't out to save no **** earth from **** covenant. She's here to **** MESS YOUR **** UP.

She has a gun FOR A **** ARM. That's how **** serious she is. It shoots balls of PURE POWER. Who the **** else has a gun which shoots **** POWER?! No gun is that awesome. And you think you can handle it?! Then she'll CHARGE the **** beam. HOLY SHITTING DICK NIPPLES she can **** CHARGE her PURE POWER if she gets pissed! That's so sick I just vomited Nevada!

That's not all. It can shoot **** FLAMES. It's a **** FLAMETHROWER, which is ****-hot, because no-one's gun can do that AND be a **** homing LIGHTNING BOLT as well.

HOLY **** A LIGHTENING BOLT. This **** means business. You're gonna get screwed if you mess with her.

Literally. She **** SCREWS THE AIR and flies right into your **** FACE. That **** is wack, yo. You wanna try **** with someone who SCREWS you to death? I sure **** don't.

Oh, you think you still bad? You think you can take that ****? YOU **** MORON, haven't you been listening!? She can fire HOMING LIGHTNING BOLTS. HOLY **** MAN WHAT THE ****!?!

Oh, but that's not all. She ain't just got a lightning / flame gun out and SCREWS the **** AIR. She has MISSLES, man. Not just any missles, but **** SUPER MISSLES!! JESUS **** ****, SUPER MISSLES!!! That's like having normal missles, but SO MUCH BETTER.

Oh, but two missles are worth one super? You might be right...but that's why she can fire 5 missles...AT THE SAME TIME. Can you imagine that ****?! One missle was bad enough, but now she's just gone and launched FIVE missles right into your **** FACE. That ****'s MESSED UP. It'll all go BLAAAA and you'll be **** GRAAAA when 5 **** homing missles hit you AT THE SAME TIME.

She ain't just got missles, guns and screws though. She can **** TURN INTO A BALL. WHAT THE ****?!?! A BALL?!?! HOW THE **** ARE YOU GONNA FIGHT A BALL?! She's rolling around, doin' her ball ****, and while you're trying to **** HIT her, she's PLANTING **** BOMBS AT YOUR FEET AND BLOWING YOUR LEGS OFF.

**** hell, BALL BOMBS. Who the **** wants to **** off someone who's so badass they turn into a ball and plant **** BOMBS at your feet?!

Not just any bombs, but, if you really want to start messing with her, SUPER BOMBS. SUPER BOMBS?! ARE YOU **** SHITTING ME?! Weren't the normal bombs awesome enough?!?! Now she has to go ROCK YOUR FACE OFF with bombs that IMPLODE THE UNIVERSE.

And she can do it while ROLLING ON WALLS. How the **** do you beat something as awesome as that?! You **** DON'T, that's how. You stand there like 'Oh where's Samus?' While she drops down from the **** CEILING and plants a **** SPACE VORTEX right in your FACE. Damn ****, that's INSANE ****-good.

Holy ****, Samus is such a badass. Every other character is going to get OWNED in Brawl. No **** contest. Every character EVER is going to get owned. She goes around blowing up PLANETS, defeating entire ARMIES of **** crazy-ass pirates on her own.

That's right, PIRATES. Not even **** Jack Sparrow can beat Samus.

'Oh, but she can't kill what she can't see.' You scream, you wail PATHETICALLY. YOU DUMB ****, there's nowhere you can't go where she can't see you. She has Infra-red, Sonic-detection, X-Ray, and Darkvision. Darkvision? Why all the better to SEE THROUGH THE **** DIMENSIONS my dear! You can't even hide from her in a different **** DIMENSION. You're really screwed now, dickhead! What the **** were you THINKING, taking on someone so FURIOUSLY AWESOME as Samus?!

"Oh but I've got a fancy AI onboard that-" ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! Samus eats AI for breakfast. She'll just **** SCAN that ****, and she'll BREAK-YOU-DOWN. She'll know JUST where to hit your sorry ass so you cry tears of agony as your AI gets HAXX0RD so she can use the info against you. Samus is THE BEAST, you can't **** withhold anything from THE BEAST.

Oh, oh, you still think you've got a chance? You still think you bad? Can you enter **** HYPERMODE?! NO YOU SHITHEAD YOU CAN'T, IT'S TOO BADASS FOR YOU!! But Samus can. Not **** 'Mode', not even 'SUPER Mode.' HYPER. God-damn. She can see the **** DUST SWIRL IN THE AIR. That's how mad-**** she can get, and you know you don't wanna mess with someone who can see MICROSCOPIC DUST swirl in the air.

See this?!

 

Aside from the fact she's SO **** HOT even when injured, she only got a freaking FLESH wounds after her fight. 'Oh she can't be that good then' you cry, but she was fighting God, Chuck Norris, The Fonz, Optimus Prime and Mr.T all AT THE SAME **** TIME.

AND SHE BEAT THEM.

Face it fag, you'll never be as good as Samus. No fucker will. But you don't need to be better than her. Because you can BE her.

Buy Metroid Prime Three on the 26th of October, shitheads. It's the only way to be so awesome the UNIVERSE orgasms when you walk upon it.

...

...You don't have a Wii?

GET ONE YOU **** OR KILL YOURSELF. They are the only two ways to repent for your crime.

Ciat,
Seer Fox
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Seer Fox
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« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2007, 02:59:37 am »

Post your rants here, folks. About anything, for any reason. Make them sweary, and make them awesome. The longer and more awesome the better.

Ciat,
Seer Fox
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« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2007, 02:11:11 pm »

Um...riiight.

One thing I will say.  I have Metroid Prime 3 (came out in North America already).  And despite the unusual rant, you are correct.  Buy it.  It's awesome.

J.
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My imaginary friend thinks I have mental problems...

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« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2007, 01:31:08 am »

That isn't a rant. That's hyperbole. It's also stylebiting Maddox, and trying far too hard. Observe the proper technique: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=dawn_rules
« Last Edit: September 11, 2007, 01:33:28 am by SYSTEM-J » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2007, 03:01:45 am »

Although (and apologies for the double post) if we're going to do light-hearted reviews, here's one I did for the 1993 action movie Hard Target. Enjoy:

Hard Target

Hard Target begins cornily. It also ends cornily and proceeds through the middle so cornily it's a mild surprise the original script wasn't lost forever after being mistakenly combine harvested by a dim-witted farmer. It's directed by Hong Kong gun-fu maestro John Woo, which doesn't stop it being corny. John Woo has never been afraid to laugh in the face of credibility for the hell of it. Heroes who can withstand hails of gunfire, shotguns that can level cities, villains who can massacre entire ethnic minorities out of **** envy: all these are staples of John Woo's filmography. Don't get me wrong: in Woo's prime his hyper-charged, ultra-stylised, gloriously, blatantly, resplendently choreographed action cinema was the epitome of motherfucking cool in a way that would make Samuel L Jackson nod in approval, but when he teamed up with a Hollywood machine still getting over the ode to excessive that was the 1980s, the end product is sweeping fields of golden corn, gently flexing in the wind...

Where the hell were we? Oh right. The beginning. Behind some flashy and undeniably maize-like (I'll stop now) credits, some heavily armed men pursue a homeless man. As these heavily armed men are dressed in what was very vogue for early-90s henchmen, and the homeless man is heavily unarmed and soon heavily dead, the dichotomy of good and evil in the film is instantly made clear for the audience. This homeless man turns out to be the father of the prettiest actress who turned up on casting day. She's apparently called Natasha, although she rarely gets addressed by name in the film, due to serving the mostly peripheral role of Plot Device Come Eye Candy. Natasha is visiting a gorgeously-photographed New Orleans to visit said father, who is decidedly untalkative by the time she catches up with him. That takes a while though, because first she has to search around for him, get mugged, be rescued from being mugged by Jean Claude Van Damme and recover from the one-two combo of his ridiculous name (Chance Boudreaux, almost as stupid as "John Matrix" from Commando) and his frightening mullet before commissioning him to help him find her father.

A long, convoluted murder-mystery plot now unfolds, which exists entirely to pad the running time out, because we the audience quickly learn that her father was murdered by sophisticated mercenary-come-millionaire Emil Fouchon (an incredibly angry Lance Henrikson) and his Chief Henchman Pic Van Cleaf (the bloke who played The Mummy) who has a name almost as stupid as Chance Boudreaux and a South African accent that's possibly even worse. Fouchon and Van Cleaf clearly have no social conscience as they make their money arranging for rich folk to hunt the homeless for sport, plying their trade around the world. While Boudreaux spends an agonising amount of time working out that Natasha's father was murdered, Emil 'n Pic set about torturing or murdering everyone in New Orleans who works for them, in a heavy-handed attempt to stop Chance figuring their most dangerous game out.

It works too, because by the time Chance has even a name to work on, they're already on their way to pack their bags and move on, pausing only to murder one last homeless fellow, who's doubly impoverished by being black and a Vietnam war veteran. The rich guy out to murder him turns out to be useless, and the 'Nam vet makes it all the way to the centre of town, where his attempts to find help fail miserably because EVERYONE IGNORES THE HOMELESS. The social commentary made, Fouchon and his "dogs" gun down Mr Vet, and decide to leave town, having killed someone fairly unsubtly in public.

Chance and Natasha still don't have a clue who's murdered her father, and look to have no chance of catching them before they depart. Fortunately for them, John Woo  throws the plot completely out of the window at this point and replaces it with lots of shooting. Van Cleaf is just stopping off to murder the fat guy who set up the homeless folk when Chance and Natasha turn up on his street for no reason. Even though neither of them should be able to recognise him, Van Cleaf and hoardes of henchmen become determined to kill both of them, thus making it abundantly clear that they're The Bad Guys and rendering the preceding hour of meandering pseudo-Cluedo redundant. They're out of luck, because Chance is a former marine or somesuch (of course he is) and proves utterly invincible and completely bad-ass.

A very long chase across the New Orleans countryside ensues, some of it on bike, some on horse, some involving a helicopter, some involving Chance's crazy Cajun uncle played by Wilford Brimley. Along the way Chance jumps off a bike over a car (which then explodes- everything explodes in John Woo's world), a rattlesnake is punched unconscious and used as a trap, a house explodes, people get set on fire and a pigeon shits on someone's biker helmet. Eventually the hoardes of bikers and rich murderous bastards corner Chance in an old warehouse for The Big Climax. A shootout of epic proportions unfolds, where everyone bad dies (quite spectacularly) and everything inanimate either sets on fire or explodes.

Hard Target is that kind of film. The kind where nothing really makes sense, the kind where the script is completely transparent and everything is contrived or downright daft. It isn't nearly as good as Woo's Hong Kong material, and Woo fans argue it was The Evil Of Corporate Hollywood (TM) that watered his **** thoroughly down. However, if you are willing to ignore plot, characterisation and plausibility, it doesn't really matter. When you've got dual-pistols, slow motion balletic gunplay and dead bodies falling through glass windows, you don't need your film to make sense. Hard Target looks very pretty (provided you find people getting shot in the face visually appealing, and let's face it, you should do) and that's all it damn well needs to do.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2007, 03:03:49 am by SYSTEM-J » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2007, 08:46:40 am »

That isn't a rant. That's hyperbole. It's also stylebiting Maddox, and trying far too hard. Observe the proper technique: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=dawn_rules

I looked up rant in the dictionary. It still falls under it.

Ciat,
Seer Fox
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« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2007, 10:48:52 pm »

you want a rant?
ok here's a rant.

why?

it was once such an easy question, why did i do that?

there was once an answer,

usually because i wanted to, now i'm just not sure.

 

an odd opening I know but there you are, 1999, its been in my thoughts a lot lately, back when the new mellenium was full of hope and promises, there would be a new start, who knows? maybe we'll get it right this time?

we didn't, of course, only 7 years in we have already forgotten the peace and love we were trying to achieve, there has been too much blood spilt in the name of peace, too many lives wrecked in the name of love.

there are more than enough blogs and other peices of crap out there about iraq and afganastan, i've written some of them, i'm not whining and saying how we should all try and stop it. i am against such things, for the simple reason that if i could be bothered to change the world i wouldn't be sitting here at a computer writing about it. i'd be freaking well doing it. and thats that isn't it?

anyway as i was saying, i was 13 in 1999, so i'm not going to pretend i knew about the world or anything.

i just wish that the hope that was there, flowing around you at that time could be recovered, when the worst thing imginable that could happen in the mellenium, was the mellenium bug. 7 years was all it took to degenerate nations, almost the whole planet, from the uplifted and morale boosted hope filled species we were then, to the depressed cynical down-hearted peoples we are today.

i didn't think it would happen over night, i just thought that at such a mile stone of humanity, the 2000th aniversary of christ, we would have grown out of this, this killing and murder, jealousy and greed.

not suken further into it than ever before!

look at your future man kind, blood for oil, atomic war, it will end only when we do.

it is wrong to hope for the destruction of ones own species.

give me that hope back.

someone out there must be able to show me life is worth living.

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Dream, there is alot to be said for dreams, even if theres is no chance it will come true. There is comfort in the knowledge you can still dream of it. Nothing great was acomplished without detailed planning, no plan was ever drawn up without a dream of an acomplishment. They did not build the apollo rockets until after man dreamed of reaching out and touching the stars. How? How is irrelevant, as long as there is a why, and the why can be simply "I want to!", the how will be worked out later.
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2007, 12:17:36 pm »

Now you've gone and made this thread all serious and sombre.

Although I don't think misery stopped for the new millenium. There was not a day of worldwide peace in the entire 20th Century. There hasn't been one since, either. The only difference is that countries we can find on the map are at war now.
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« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2007, 04:41:25 pm »

Dammit! DAMMIT NO!

I can't believe this! On this one shining thread of hope and light, the misery and desperation of the rest of the board manages to trawl its way inside and take a **** on the carpet!

No **** wonder I hardly come here any more. It's all full of wrist-slitting My Chemical Romanciers who are too hung up on the 'big problems' to see that the only thing that makes them big is that they're too short-sighted to see beyond them.

Dammit all. I'm-a lock the thread now.

Ciat,
Seer Fox
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