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Nameless love poem

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Syphon
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« on: March 14, 2008, 08:43:37 pm »

Bah, I'm too caught up with uni again to keep reading this page. I've been away far too long.
To make up for that, I want to share with you a poem I wrote this afternoon while I was in the bus home.
This is a true love poem, I might in fact send it to the girl of my affections once she has forgotten I asked her out with negative results.

A feeling so different
from all of those before.
Please answer those feelings
so my heart will hurt no more

A desire to woo you,
the urge to make you mine.
Though I'd maybe aim lower,
a kiss'd be just fine.

Hair like midnight,
an equal to mine.
 Or no, even better,
for mine does not adorn a beauty so fine.

Eyes like sapphires,
so keen and bright.
If  only you'd let me,
I'd treat you so right.

The figure of a goddess,
wits and brains to boot.
I am in love with you completely,
and that is the truth.

This love came so sudden,
an ambush of the heart.
I'll bother you no further,
but you are truly nature's work of art.

« Last Edit: March 15, 2008, 02:39:13 am by Syphon » Report Spam   Logged

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Moonwolf
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« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2008, 04:32:03 am »

I think the whole poem is absolutely beautiful. There are a few things you might want to look over, though.

Hair like midnight,
an equal to mine.
 Or no, even better,
for mine does not adorn a beauty so fine.

 The fourth line of this stanza seems a bit long and it also has "mine" and "fine" in it. The rhythm of the poem slows a bit here, because "fine" is supposed to be rhyming with the first "mine" (in the second line) but there's a second "mine" there. So the same sound is three times in a row rather than the intended two. I'm not sure how to change it, but you did address the reader so you could try something like  "for yours adorns a face so fine" or "for yours surrounds a beauty so fine" or some variation of the two.


The figure of a goddess,
wits and brains to boot.
I am in love with you completely,
and that is the truth.

The only problem I see with this stanza is "boot" and "truth" don't really rhyme. I like your message here, so I'm not sure it should be fixed. Maybe try:

The figure of a goddess,
wits and brains as well.
I am in love with you completely,
even if it is hard to tell.  (or maybe "its" instead of "it is")

or maybe:

I am in love with you completely,
even if you cannot tell.
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Syphon
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« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2008, 07:14:03 pm »

I agree with your first comment. It -is- too long for a final line, or for any line for that matter.
The latter stanza, I think I'll keep how I wrote it. It's close enough for non-native speakers (which I am one of).
Thank you for your comment, Moonwolf. ^^
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