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1  Original Writings / Suggestions, Questions & Comments / uhh, what? on: June 25, 2008, 04:49:18 am
Should a guest ever be doing this?
Guest  04:45:58 am Nothing, or nothing you can see...
2  Original Writings / Announcements / Re: Welcome! on: June 11, 2008, 08:42:01 pm
It's Seer.

Who said you did anything?

(Sorry Seer)
3  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Deathwish Squadron (40k) on: May 26, 2008, 12:32:35 pm
“Because Rommler’s go his greasy mitts on them too,” Rommler replied, “They were shut down an hour ago. Completely. The tech-priests are working on it, but S15 will reach Almsway long before they’re fixed. Any questions?”

Pretty sure that should be got not go.

Sounds ok, but i'm afraid I don't know the setting really - not being a 40k fan myself - so you'll want someone else to check it over for you on that front.

Keep up the good work.
4  Creative Writing / The Blackboard / Re: The Slightly Random but still good for creative reasons thread. on: May 20, 2008, 02:54:12 pm
shining light on things
revealing hidden objects

The moon at night, the sun during the day
shine their light, those beatiful rays

I'd like to be on the beach, watching moon beams reflecting off the sea, illuminating objects - gold coins, white skin. All glows in the night with the moon above.

Illuminati, anyone read the Davinci Code?
Whats the name of that box thing, the one that if openned wrongly broke and released vinegar, so the paper couldnt be read. Oh Papyrus, not paper sorry.

Next word: cryptex
5  Creative Writing / The Blackboard / Re: The Slightly Random but still good for creative reasons thread. on: May 20, 2008, 07:29:13 am
Hmm, Bone Marrow
I was never much good with biology i'm afraid. Physics I enjoy, Chemistry and Biology, not so much - though that may have been something to do with the teachers.
It's something to do with bone's though, I think its inside them, though I couldn't be certain. I could look it up but I won't.
I know this though. Without Bones we would just be a puddle on the floor, a wobbling jelly. So Bone Marrow must be pretty important.
Can't think of much else to say, just under 2 minutes left I think.
I wonder when the biology exams are. Doesnt matter I guess, not for me anyway. It's a useful subject don't get me wrong. I'm just not much good with it.
Ooh. Over ran there sorry. Was thinking.

Next word (and yes I know a lot of you may hate it - but I know someone who LOVES them):

6  Original Writings / Announcements / Re: Welcome! on: May 20, 2008, 07:20:53 am
Welcome welcome welcome.
Have a look around.
Things have been a bit slow lately, more posts are always welcomed though, and I think they may be beginning to speed up again.
7  Original Writings / Suggestions, Questions & Comments / Re: Stats page on: May 19, 2008, 04:10:49 pm
go to the stats page, scroll down and opposite the most time spent online is the stats for who has done the most topics, this appears to be in a random order. ie PMB and Tau_Worlock both have 24 posts and yet PMB is second from bottom and Worlock is 6th on the list, Dizzy with 2 topics started is 8th on the list, with 2 people below them (one of whom is PMB). Its crazy, and I was wondering if there was a reason.
8  Original Writings / Suggestions, Questions & Comments / Stats page on: May 18, 2008, 05:18:29 pm
Uh whats up with the topic stats, arn't they usually in some sort of order? Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me?
9  Creative Writing / Poems / Re: Lunar Tales of Roses Lost on: May 18, 2008, 05:11:12 pm
Seer, be nice please.

It's a beautiful poem. I like the story it tells, its touching.

In a wave of memory, I can never forget.

I would put 'I can never forget' on a seperate line.

The dew now on its petals remind
Me of the tears that spilled
Off her cheek that night

Thats the longest part without punctuation, and when paying attention to the punctuation it felt slightly out of place, but I cant think of anything to do instead, and it works I guess.

Congratulations for a good poem.
10  Creative Writing / Poems / Re: questions on: May 12, 2008, 10:15:27 pm
not much rythm, at least not that I could see any way.
I think it whould be what not that in the second line, but thats probably just me.

In answer to a few questions, kicking dogs would be harsh (aka animal protection would be down on us like anything). We kick stones because we can (no stone protection society round here that I know of). Not every one is afraid of spiders, and how do you know how the earth feels - have you talked to it lately?
Mathematics is the study of everything mathematical, arithmatic is just a branch off of that.

Oh and obviously someone is questioning them - YOU.

Well done. It's nice to see some new work, sorry it took so long to get back to you.
11  Original Writings / Announcements / Re: Welcome! on: March 27, 2008, 10:45:26 pm
Welcome Welcome Welcome.
I'm sure there is a free cell somewhere in this assylum.
Just take a look around.
Feel free to post something. If I have a chance I might read it.
12  Creative Writing / The Blackboard / Re: A Warning, for this. on: March 27, 2008, 10:42:03 pm
Your Welcome.
A reason the shorter lines work better as well as the ease of reading is likely the fact that on MSN they appear a line at a time, this allows the instruction to be carried out and the next line to appear without the subject having to do anything. However I can see that that effect would be difficult (read impossible) in a written manuscript.
Let me know when the novel is done will you?
13  Creative Writing / The Blackboard / Re: A Warning, for this. on: March 26, 2008, 11:55:02 pm
Good words, right technique, couple of problems,

Length: to short realy as soon as its started its over.

Layout: Its bulky, difficult to read if you are fully relaxed, I found that I had to wake myself up in order to read the words in the right order, and so it lost its effect.

To counter this try doing shorter sentances and starting each set on a new line.

This makes it easier to take in while breathing slowly.

I also find the first line slightly off, though it doesnt cause much of a problem as it is at the very beginning.

I would personally start with the 'as'

Try this

"You can feel yourself melting.

You probably didn’t notice until I brought it up,
 but as you sit in your chair, reading and relaxing,
you can feel the relaxation start to melt away your tension, your worries.

It might be happening quickly, or it might be happening slowly, and (remove the and)
while you wonder on how quickly this is happening, you might not even notice how heavy your body is getting, slowly but surely as you just read and drift.
Drifting and reading.
You’ve probably started to notice that your feet are relaxing the most,
relaxing first, melting, becoming warm and heavy,
 so relaxed and heavy they quickly become immovable, like a wax mannequin.

Really relaxing, as you sit there and melt,
the sensation moves up to your legs, melting them slowly,
relaxing them, fixing them in place as they become heavy and warm.
Immovable, like they are made of a soothing wax.

The sensation moves up into the stomach,
relaxing the gut, melt everything into a warm melty wax,
just like the heavy, relaxed legs and warm, statue-like feet.

Reading and relaxing, the melting sensation spreads up to your chest,
relaxing your breathing,
making your chest warm and heavy,
(remove the even) even as it spreads out into your arms, relaxing them, making them warm and heavy.
Relaxed and immobile, melted.
You will have realised by this point that the sensation is travelling up your neck,
making it warm, heavy, relaxed.

Finally, the pleasant sensation flows into your head,
relaxing your face, relaxing your thoughts,
making it all melt away into a warm, heavy haze.
So warm and relaxing, from head to toe.
Letting yourself and your thoughts drift away…

Now wake up, refreshed and alert, and go about your business."

14  Original Writings / Announcements / Re: Welcome! on: February 01, 2008, 10:01:58 am
Welcome welcome welcome, make yourself at home, please.
15  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Untitled on: January 29, 2008, 11:44:57 am
1990 school playground

“Happy 7th Birthday, Emily,” Says a tall dark haired boy (well tall for a six year old anyway) to a taller blond girl, standing next to him leaning on a scooter.
“Yeah, Happy Birthday, Emz” said a shorter girl with brown hair standing on the other side of the birthday girl.
“Thanks,” said the birthday girl, “hey, look what Mummy got me,” She shows off the scooter, “It’s the best, look its pink, and it goes REALY fast,” Emily proceeds to prove her point by whizzing around her friends, while a few other children look on in awe at the ‘cool’ kids.
“It’s my birthday next week” said the boy, “My mums going to get me a blue scooter, how ‘bout you Jen?” turning to the brown haired girl.
“Not for another month, Joe, but I’m sure I’ll get one, maybe a red one,” The girl looked upset that she wouldn’t have one for a while, but Emily and Joe promised to let her take turns on theirs so everyone was fine.
“Look, her comes baby Char, and her dollies,” said Joe, and suddenly the mood changed, a petite girl, with black hair and blue eyes approached, holding a box of dollies.
“Hey, Joe, Emily, Jenny,” she said in greeting, “Do you want to come play with the dollies with me,” she showed them the contents of the box, “look theirs four of them and four of us, that’s one each,” The three turned to each other and Joe sneezed ‘accidentally’ knocking the box out of Char’s hands and onto the concrete floor on the playground. Emily then scooted forwards, directly over the dolls, before doing another lap of the playground, some of the watching children laughed as Char went to pick up the dolls, only to have them knocked out of her hands as Emily returned. She handed the scooter over to Jenny, to let her have a go, and the dolls were splattered into the mud. The children laughed again, the three then picked up the dolls, covering them in mud in the process and dumped them in Char’s arms, before scooting off laughing again.
Char carefully put the dolls back together, naming them, Jenny doll, Emily doll and Joe doll.

1997 Walking home from school,

“I got my SATs results back today,” Emily said, turning to Joe and Jenny, the two looked at her, and nodded, and she continued, “I got a 7 in English and a 6 in Science and Maths,” The two smiled at her and congratulated their friend, “How did you 2 do?” She asked.
“Three seven’s,” Jenny replied, and the other two smiled at her, having expected the answer.
“I got an 8 in Science,” Joe said, “but I only got sixes in Maths and English,”

2001 Corner of the school hall,

The three friends are sitting nervously together, staring at the pieces of paper in their hands, each to nervous to open theirs first, in the fear that they might not have got what they needed.
“Come on Emz, you’re oldest, you go first,” Jenny prompted, Joe by her side nodding. “What do you need?”
“2 B’s and an A,” was Emily’s nervous response, “come on, Emz, you’ve done fine, and you know it” Emily smiled and slowly opened the paper, then leaped for joy,
“I DID IT, 2 A’s and a B,” The confidence of their friend egged them on, but Joe went “Ladies first,” getting Jenny to open hers first, “What do you need?”
“2 A’s and a B,” slowly and carefully Jenny peeked at her paper, then “THREE A’s I DID IT!” She and Emily high fived each other, “Come on Joe,” What do you need?”
“3 A’s” He slowly peeked at his paper and his face fell, “2 A’s and a B,”

2008 A small room,

The room looks like a child’s bedroom,, well in part, there are some dolls on the table and the room is in bright colours, there is a lady sitting at a desk with a computer, she looks to be in her early/mid- twenties, she has long black hair and blue eyes. She is on the internet looking at profiles on facebook.
“Oh, Emily’s getting married next week,” she said to herself, “I guess that means I shall have to find a man doll for Emily doll,” she brushed the hair of one of the dolls, a slender doll, with blond hair, that looked suspiciously like the picture of the lady on the screen. She tabbed to another window, this one of a man, around the same age, married with twin children, he was a doctor, pretty successful, especially considering his age, he was happy in the photo of him with his wife and children. She looked jealously to the window, where there is a dolls house, a family of four sitting at the kitchen table happily eating dinner together, before switching to the last window, still brushing the Emily dolls hair. This profile in the last window had a photo of a horse, people and commented congratulating the person in the photo on finally becoming a teacher, the photos in their album where all of the country side, very little information about the person was available.
The lady stood up and walked to the table, she looked angry now, and yet upset at the same time. As she stood the Emily doll fell of the table onto some wet paint, when she was picked up her hair was no longer tidy, and her face didn’t look as pretty anymore.
“Look at you now, you were always the leader, weren’t you, the pretty one, well not so pretty now are you, I wanted to be your friend once, but not anymore, I’ve got better friends,” she grabbed some scissors and cut her hair, “no luscious locks any more have you, no, you’re not so pretty without them, no one will marry you now, in fact, I’ll make sure of it,” and with that she smothered the doll with a pillow.”

Beauty Queen Magazine, Main Offices, London,

Emily was sitting at her desk, using a few minutes of her break to check up on quick details, making sure everything was prepared for the wedding, and the honeymoon, they were going to Paris first and then Vienna, before finishing up in Los Angeles.
Suddenly her throat tightened, she choked, it felt like someone was smothering her, she tried to pull at it, but there was nothing there to pull at, yet at the same time the grip was tightening, she couldn’t think straight, everything was going black.

The bedroom,

The lady bent down by the doll house, looking at the beautiful family of four within, before picking up the father, “I wanted to be your friend once, Joe, I really did, was kind to you, I wanted to share, but were you kind to me? NO you didn’t care, you hurt me you know, well now I’m going to hurt you,” and with that she grabbed, some scissors and stabbed him, at first once, then twice, then, like a mad woman, she couldn’t stop.

A dining room. Somewhere,

Joe stood up to help clear the table of the main course, then before dessert he would make the announcement, they would like it, he was sure, the children would love Disney World, and he could take Rochelle to see the Eifel Tower in the evening, while his sister looked after the kids. Suddenly he felt like a knife was digging into him, he looked down, nope, but he could feel it, he put the dinner things back on the tale and felt, but he couldn’t feel it, it stopped for a second, then he felt it again, harder this time, he looked down, he could see red, blood, he felt it with his fingers. Everything went black.

The bedroom

Char put down the mangled, destroyed Joe doll and went back to the table, and slowly picked up the last doll, this one was dressed in jeans and a jumper, with a warm winter jacket on top. She looked ready to go for a walk.
“You did always enjoy the country didn’t you, country walks, horse riding, camping, I wanted to join in you know, to be your friend, but no, you didn’t want that, well how about you just fall off a cliff somewhere,” with that she pushed the doll off the edge of the table.

The Country Side, somewhere

Jenny smiled, as she took a deep breath of air, enjoying the country breeze. She walked along the path, briskly as always, glad she had done all of the marking last night, she liked having Sunday’s to herself; this was her time, her day. She might go riding this afternoon she thought. She walked along the cliff path; she loved looking out at the sea. Suddenly she felt something pushing at her, pushing her towards the edge of the cliff, thinking it might me the wind she got closer to the ground, hoping to get out of the wind, being protected by the bushes, but the force continued pushing, like the wind, but the trees weren’t blowing, all was still, suddenly she screamed, as she fell down off the edge of the cliff.

Constructive criticism welcome.
As is an idea for a title.
16  Creative Writing / Poems / Palindromes on: January 29, 2008, 08:03:15 am
Just wrote these
Not to sure about the first one

We are rowing,
Backwards and forwards
We row
Upwards and onwards
Row we
Man and tide are one
As we row
One are tide and man
We row
Onwards and upwards
Row we
Forwards and backwards
Rowing are we


Heigh Ho, Ho heigh
Work we will today
With  a bottle of rum
Today will we work?
Heigh ho, ho heigh


One plus one is two
Two plus two is four
Easy is this
Four minus two is two
Two minus one is one
Good in’t it
Maths work
It isn’t good
One is one minus two
Two is two minus four
This IS easy
Four is two plus two
Two is one plus one

17  Creative Writing / Poems / if YOU want on: January 28, 2008, 04:29:49 pm
If You want me to go

If you want me to go
just say and ill go
If you need me to leave
just let me know and ill be gone
but please just say
let me know and I’ll go

youre the only one
thats holding me down
keeping me back
from flying away
the only thing thats
holding me back
from saying thats that,

If you want me to go
just say and I'll go
if you need me to leave
just let me know and I’ll be gone
but please just say
let me know and I’ll go
if you want me to leave
just say and I’ll be gone
if you want me to stay though,
well thats a different story

if you want me to stay
hold me tight
say you’ll never let me go
hold me close
say you’ll always care,
promise to never go
hold me close to you
and never let me go

just let me know
where I stand
but ill tell you now
you mean the world to me
and this pain inside
is tearing me apart

so if you want me to go
just say and I’ll go
if you need me to leave
just let me know and I’ll be gone
but please just say
let me know and I’ll go
if you want me to leave
just say and I’ll be gone

More of a song this one in the structure, though that isnt what i intended.

18  Creative Writing / Poems / Re: never seeing the sky on: January 28, 2008, 07:24:33 am

but never seeing the sky.
not so sure about this line, sometimes i think it works sometimes i think it would work better without the 'the'

but no one's hearing a word.
not sure about this one either, try heard instead of hearing,

but never seeing the sky.
same as before

other than those bits, good poem, extremely good,
19  Creative Writing / Poems / Re: pretending on: January 23, 2008, 07:34:53 am
k good spelling, petty good grammar also. I like the poem overall, the first 2 verses work well, the third verse doesn't scan quite right, but i think that helps make it work. Well done, will I be seeing anymore of your work soon?
20  Creative Writing / Poems / Re: Into Darkness we Step on: January 14, 2008, 09:51:54 am
Through darkened tunnels
and blackened halls
we travel,
through night’s mist
and hatred’s night
we travel,
never seeing
never hearing
blind, deaf and mute
lost to all and one.

So far so good

Steps we take
and steps we hear
sounds we hate
and ground we fear
in this darkened tunnel
of eerie feel.

Half expected his verse to end in an ‘ear’ sound, this works though

Yet a light shines
can truth be near?
No, wrong times
for happy endings
and soundless ears.

Soundless ears? I think tears would sound slightly better, but don’t know.

Down we step
once, twice,
down we step
into the ice.

Into? Hmm, onto?

Gone is hope
gone is faith
I cannot cope
with darkness’ face.

This works

Every second I gaze
into mesmerizing haze
never letting go,
never letting go.

Sounds good

Can I resist?
Can I desist?
Not that I can say
for in darkness I must stay.

Good poem, I like it.  Write another one sometime.
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