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1  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Fighting for a Cause (Temp Title) on: January 27, 2008, 04:15:17 pm
Sorry for taking so long but I did not have the time, any way your story.

It looks well so far, we seem to have two major characters each in their own plot line, though I guess that the plot lines will meet.

Matt looks like an average teenager and all that entails. Well described and easy to associate with, so that’s good. One thing that did nag at me was his relationship with his father, you said near the beginning that they had a strange and complicated one, but when they do interact the relationship looks normal.

Taz is also well shown, a bit of a rebel and so on. Now I never was in the military but it seemed very relaxed and easy going, considering they where preparing for a war, at such time a military would be extra disciplined, so how come he had not be removed. You say he was kept on because he was good at what he did. Well if he was so good that they keep him on despite disobedience then why hasn’t he been moved to a more specialised unit where his skills would be better employed?

I did spot this.

He smiled as shadows slowly grew longer on the gray town streets,

Should be grey

One interesting story so far, keep it going.
2  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Introductions, And a Story to Chew Up on: January 27, 2008, 01:54:04 pm
Welcome to OW,
Yes I know I am late, sorry for that.
Good story so far, the plot so far is still unknown but one can guess that it has something to do with the war and the governor not being dead/purposely killed so good hooks. Now your job would be to keep the readers attention.

The characters so far look like they are coming along well, but I do have to say I am a little confused about Daltons and Korolevas past, you might have to clear that up a bit, or ad some more in another chapter.

Keep writing and hope to see more.
3  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Hey all, and welcome to this story on: January 27, 2008, 12:47:11 pm
First of welcome to OW, I haven’t been around so sorry for the delay. As for your story I have to say it looks like a good start.

My only complaint would be that you are going in circles at one point.

He loved his grandmother, he was beaten by his father, he loved his grandmother, he was beaten by his father again, he loved his grandmother, and was beaten again.

There is an entire section that more or less goes like that.
Also it would be nice if you described the world a bit more, what centaury is it? Where are we and so on. Not too much but a bit more.

Any way, hope to see more of this sometime soon.
4  Creative Writing / The Blackboard / Re: The SaC canon on: January 08, 2008, 10:50:01 pm
Good idea,

Looks reasonably believable. Except for the time frame and the quick expansion into space, where did that technology come from. It seems a bit quick time wise. Especially asteroid mining
5  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Fringe (aka LX is back, alive and kickin') on: December 11, 2007, 01:21:28 pm
More to read, good. just hop I have time tonight or tomorrow morning.
6  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Fringe (aka LX is back, alive and kickin') on: December 05, 2007, 02:57:39 pm
Well good to see more, that there are differences between Joshua and Han is clear to see, but with all the education Joshua had I have to question is choice of carer as a smuggler. I’m out of time now, but will get back to read the new bit.
7  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Fringe (aka LX is back, alive and kickin') on: December 03, 2007, 11:04:08 pm
Welcome back, nice to have you with us again, and now onto the story. The opening looks ok, introducing the character as a child and his dream of owning a star ship, nicely done, though the amount of effort he put into his study so that he could be worthy of the space craft seems a bit excessive. He is a child after all.

The transition to the second part of the opening is a bit abrupt. I would suggest a more clear cut transition, maybe insert a scene of him in his late teams on his first flight on his own.

Chapter one gave me a very sting Han Solo feel, the way the spaceport security can’t find the known to have aboard contraband, and his happy go lucky attitude and his comments just radiate the Solo cliché. I can see the appeal of such characters but a flare of originality would be highly appreciated.
8  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Baby Steps - Man's Journey into the Abyss on: November 26, 2007, 10:42:36 am
“Christ, what are these things?”
“Men, weapons free! Open fire!” – Transcript from ground events from Zephyr Prime.

as it is initself a paragrahp (due to the devide) and it is the first one, so the opening a reader will see.

stars should be copied in in a copy past proces, if not just add them in
9  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Baby Steps - Man's Journey into the Abyss on: November 26, 2007, 10:19:46 am
You ask, you get. One not quit Sildarax wall review coming up.

I like the opening quote. The next bit kind of gives your story away, ok it is nice to have it, but as the story looks like it is going to focus on the first contact and a resulting conflict I would modify that paragraph to remove the mention of aliens, just have it as a brief history of human expansion into space.

The opening paragraph of chapter one feels out of place right now. Do you intend to have a little snipped at the beginning of each chapter? If yes then you might want to change that one to something less threatening, and have that one before or just after the nature of the alien has been established. If no then remove it or move it. As an opening for chapter one it sets a very hostile mood, we see the unknown, let’s kill it, without knowing anything about it.

There seems to be no connection between the B-1 and the two on the planet, make this more clear, as a double empty lines, isn’t that noticeable, also I believe there is more you can say regarding the ship, maybe make it the sole inhabitant of chapter one, extend the details on the ship and its history, connect us to the people onboard, so that we the reader wants them to succeed. This would make the apparent death of the ship and crew have more impact.

What is the scene with Gerald and Yuri? It seemed to be a normal scene, the quit before the storm, but you but a bunch of background information in there, information that isn’t necessarily needed at this point. It stars out easy but ended up heavy headed.
Also could you describe the setting a bit more, this is supposed to be another planet, but I have no idea how it looks. Just a little bit here and there, to stimulate the imagination as to the nature of the planet. Now it is early days, but in any further piece you write with them you will have to add some depth to their personality.

The night sky twinkled with a vast panorama of lights, some orbiting spaceships others planets light-years away.

Insert a coma after spaceships

As there is so little to go on so far it is hard to say much about the plot, or the characters that are part of the plot. So I am at the end of what I can think of.

Keep writing, and when there is more I will try and help.

Oh and welcome to the site. There is an introduction threat in the announcement and plenty to read throughout the forum. 
10  Original Writings / Creative Discussion / Re: One Man, One Return, and Something to do with Writing on: November 12, 2007, 08:30:19 am
Welcome back, I remember you so it can’t have been that many years. As for your question that a neigh impossible one. Feet of clay, reaper man, monstrous regiment and thud are on my bookshelf but that doesn’t mean much. Err can I say all of them  Wink Grin
11  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Endings and Applause on: November 11, 2007, 02:02:00 pm
Looks good. the scene on the roof top seemed odd to me, the converstation felt unnatural, staged. Not something that might actually happen.

At the beginning it says that after five minuets someone called the police. This seems like a very very long time. I could understand if it was arrive but to nobody to phone for five minutes seems odd.

A program, no, more accurately a being, which had evolved from flowing data somewhere in the networks of millions of computers into something that could be called sentient.

Reads a fine but is a bit rough, try something like

A program, no, more accurately, it was a being. That had evolved from flowing data somewhere in the networks of millions of computers into something that deserved to be called sentient.

Kaze provides the thing with information, but what does he get in return? As right now their relationship is very one sided.

For a moment I though that the dead girl might be the same as in the last story, but that seems unlikely now.

Any way nice to see another story from you.
12  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Fear on: November 11, 2007, 01:08:09 pm
Looks good so far though I do have a few things to say.

Was a life of killing really what he had always wanted? Yes, it was really.
Very cliché though the response is better. What made Kenji wonder this now? maybe change this to something like he had stopped thinking about it a long time as the answer was yes why concern himself with it.

You have the hint of a comedian in there, which considering the subject is a nice touch. A doom and gloom felling would make the subject to serious. Keep at it.
13  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Sol and Centauri (all new!) [light language] on: October 30, 2007, 11:53:41 pm
Coming soon sounds good.

Ah but as I am the resident reader I should have gotten to it sooner, especially the first bit.
14  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Sol and Centauri (all new!) [light language] on: October 30, 2007, 01:59:02 pm
First of sorry for taking so long to reply.
While the appearance of the fleet would not be a good thing, it seems that is exactly what Simon wanted them to do so I am more then a little confused as to what they are up to. Is this a plan (whatever it is) that always intended to draw the fleet, or is that just a improvisation, keep writing as I want to know. I also have to say the pace picked up, or maybe I am just remembering the last bit wrong.

When you describe the fleet you use ‘each’ a lot, more then I think would be necessary so cut that bit down a bit.
15  Original Writings / Creative Discussion / Re: A new form of challenge... on: October 24, 2007, 02:26:13 pm
i have somewhere, but cant remember, i had but a link to my profile in that post but it wasn't showing, so i have just corected it, scroll up and click here

part of the problem is that links are coloured white, but as the forum defoult is white one does not see it.
16  Original Writings / Creative Discussion / Re: A new form of challenge... on: October 24, 2007, 12:25:21 am
Well I am the same as always, Tau Worlock at your serves.

But how does on add a buddy? The only way I have found is by finding their profile and clinking the add buddy button there.

Well I am here.
17  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: Amanda's Lament (WIP) on: October 19, 2007, 09:17:22 pm
First impression of the prologue:
This strikes me as odd. Especially the first line as I can’t make sense of it.
Is this a note or a thought or something else?
Also it will influence your readers view on the story, and on such a common topic (as far as they can tell form that bit) might make them see it in ways you don’t want or even but the book down.

I never really knew my parents, because they weren’t a major part of my life.  I never met my mother, she was never around when I was growing up and I always wondered why she wasn’t there.

You are repeating one idea over two sentences and also within each one, so four repetitions of one idea all packed together, slight overkill. Instead try something like:

I never really knew my parents as they didn’t play a major part of my life. When I was still very small I would hope mum would come home but she never did.

While still saying the same thing it adds some feeling and cuts down on direct repetition.

Another thing I think I mentioned before be careful with starting sentences with I, you do this quit a lot, I am sure there are more creative ways of conveying the information.

I arrived by a car driven by Mr. J. Sheppard, a lawyer of my grandparents.

A lawyer? The way it reads I would take that to mean that the grandparents had more the one lawyer. This seems a bid odd.

We will of course check in now and again to see if she is if she is in proper care.

Repetition of ‘if she is’ also proper care sounds odd, try ‘being looked after to an acceptable standard’ or something like that.

Correct me if I am wrong but the grandparents say they never had a child, so how could they be grandparents, as they would have to be parents first.

Ok never mind, you explain in the next bit, but are careful of unclear things like that as confusing a reader is not good.

But I kept the3 doll to remember how happy I was at seven.

The point of the 3 is?

My favorite was Pete, the bike-less doll and my true favorite object was an old photo of my grandparents, which was dated January 1942.

You have two favourite, but the definition of the word that would not work, especially in the way it is here.

It was my favorite; because I hoped that one-day I’d find a true love like my grandfather did.

I think should be a had at the end not a did.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I love someone else.”

“So what about me?  Did you ever love me or was I just the girl to show to mom?  Because if that’s the cause than tell me, you don’t love me?”

“I care about you as a friend, but I can’t tell you how I felt about—“

“You felt love toward him, but not me.”

The last line makes no sense. From the order of speech this is Mandy, but that makes no sense? Did you mean: “You loved him, but not me?”

The first bit has a lot of character history in it, which makes for dry reading, try it carefully integrate bits of history when they are needed instead of delivering them in bulk.

Also some scenes need improvements, they just don’t look real, they just look forced and artificial.

Any way your skills are improving as far as I can tell, well done. Though more work needs to be done. Keep writing, and I will try and to review when I can.
18  Original Writings / Creative Discussion / Re: A new form of challenge... on: October 10, 2007, 08:47:24 pm
I'm in, anybody else care to tkae part
19  Creative Writing / The Blackboard / Re: Dionysius on: September 28, 2007, 12:13:57 pm
This is because attributes of God are believed to be revealed through out the book,
does not read right

God might be able to be found in that monkey from the Caribbean, but you can never know, (of course the bible does say that God can be found everywhere so technically, he can be found even in the closet where you stashed the skeleton of the rat you killed when you were a child, which you should probably clean at some point it must be beginning to stink by now).
run on sentence, also a coma betwen 'point' and 'it'

as for the pice itself it reads ok, i can understand it all so a non philosophy expert knows what this is about. go to go, lecture in a few min
20  Creative Writing / Critiques Corner / Re: The Better Life on: September 28, 2007, 02:39:28 am
Well well, a simulation, it sounded a bit to good to be true at the beginning but then it looked like a rich guy, and he would have/ do things like that. Though I have to say I am slightly disappointed, I am used to better twist then this in your work. Then again it still came out of the blue. Can't add much more after what they all said
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