Original Writings ~ The Literates Asylum
October 28, 2021, 08:12:24 am
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to the new Original Writings, enjoy Smiley.
 
  Home Help Staff List Calendar Login Register  

Deathwish Squadron (40k)

Pages: [1]
  Print  
Author Topic: Deathwish Squadron (40k)  (Read 281 times)
Rusk
Scribbler
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Favorite Genre: 40k
Posts: 4



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« on: May 22, 2008, 08:59:50 pm »

 A short story i'm writing for a competition on 40kOnline. About a squad of arbites (police) who get dropped onto a futuristic combine harvester (taken from Eisenhorn trilogy). This won't make much sense to those who don't understand 40k fluff, but meh. Part 1 of 2.

~~~

 Gunnery Sergeant Miko Ottowa set up the pict-plate in the back of the Valkyrie transport Roadblock-One-Three, filling the passenger compartment with an eerie green glow. It displayed a detailed 3D picture of the planned raid, with the bulk of land harvester S15 taking up the majority of the space. The ten members of Squad Ottowa, Tenth Division, Sousgrenier Arbites, crowded around it.

 “This, my good friends, is Land Harvester S15,” Ottowa said, “Target for Operation Rommler. The rumours about secessionists here in Almsway are true. They’ve captured S15 and set it on a destruction course for Almsway City. Their leader, a man called Vicrum Rommler, sent a vox-transmission to the arbites, saying he was willing to sacrifice everything to free Sousgrenier from what he calls the ‘yolk of the Imperium’. We can only assume he’ll detonate S15 when it reaches Almsway. So Tenth Division, attached to the beloved Deathwish Squadron-“

 “Oorah!” Flight-Lieutenant Bir Ranuel shouted from the cockpit.

 “Oorah indeed,” Ottowa continued, “so we’ve got to get in, kill Rommler, and halt S15 before it reaches Almsway.”

 “Why don’t the Almsway defence batteries just obliterate it?” Private Wayn Saall asked from the corner.

 “Because Rommler’s go his greasy mitts on them too,” Rommler replied, “They were shut down an hour ago. Completely. The tech-priests are working on it, but S15 will reach Almsway long before they’re fixed. Any questions?”

 Ottowa surveyed them all. He was a big, heavily tanned man, built like a rhinox and possessing no subtlety whatsoever. He was a great fighter, but would never make it past the rank of sergeant.

 The Valkyrie shook as it took off. The drop-ramp was closed, offering no view of the outside world, but the men knew the feeling. They’d all done it before, in training.

 But only half had done it for real.

 Sergeant Ottowa clambered into the cockpit, put his hands on the back of the co-pilot’s seat, and gazed out of the plexiglass screen. The sprawling city of Almsway, the second largest on Sousgrenier, was speeding past below them. The bulbous, olive-green harvester was already visible in the distance.

 “Admiring the view, are we?” Ranuel asked. He was an irritating, overweight red-head, whose face was covered in freckles. However, he and his co-pilot Hommus were one of the best flight-crews in the Deathwish Squadron, something no-one could deny.

 “Just… yeah.” Ottowa replied, returning to the cargo hold. His men were performing their pre-battle rituals – Kus Berrin and Oden Brej, trading insults. Lewd Torm, reading a holo-book about the wildlife of Sousgrenier. Wayn Saall, tucked in the corner, as if he was asleep.

 They were the ones he recognized. The other five he did not know so well. Two months earlier, Tenth Division had been sent to assist an inquisitor pacify a cell of heretics in Boulesway, Sousgrenier’s third city. Squad Ottowa had spearheaded the assault. Losses had been high.

 Lieutenant Ranuel, up in the cockpit, visibly started as the Valkyrie next to his exploded. It had taken a missile directly to its crew compartment, and had been utterly gutted, cockpit to drop-ramp.

 “Mayday! Mayday!” Ranuel shouted into his vox, “The rebels have AA batteries set up on S15 and are opening fire! Valkyrie down! Valkyrie down!” Ranuel leaned back and shouted into the crew compartment, “It’s going to be a rough landing! Better suit up!”

 The ten men of Squad Ottowa were already clothed in the navy blue/white bodygloves of the Sousgrenier Arbites, and began zipping them up. All held either compact autoguns or combat shotguns, and had stub-nosed pistols taped to their thighs. Ottowa took his riot helmet from its hook and placed it on his head, sliding down the reflective visor. It made him look even more impressive.

 Ranuel forced his Valkyrie, signifier Roadblock-One-Three, into a swift sideways roll, forcing his passengers to scrabble for purchase. The tall, gangly Saall pitched forward and smacked his head on Brej’s knee, who was sitting opposite him. He got up, grumbling sourly, and armed his autorifle.

 Ranuel banked hard to the right. At his side, Hommus was firing the transport’s lascannon, cracking off shots at the rapidly closing harvester. One round hit a long-barrelled autocannon the rebels had set up on the roof of the hump-backed harvester. Hommus fired again, at a gun near the massive threshing blades at the front of the goliath, but missed.

 Ranuel span Roadblock-One-Three round, and piloted it through one of two humongous hanger doors. He hit the large red button at the side of his steering yolk, and the drop-ramp of the transport disengaged, revealing to the arbites their latest battlefield.

~~~

The second half will come when i put it on the computer.

-Rusk
Report Spam   Logged

PINGU and MIGHTY BOOSH

The two wonders of the world

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter

jazen
Novelist
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 163


A smile costs little but gives much treat sum1 2 1


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2008, 12:32:35 pm »

Quote
“Because Rommler’s go his greasy mitts on them too,” Rommler replied, “They were shut down an hour ago. Completely. The tech-priests are working on it, but S15 will reach Almsway long before they’re fixed. Any questions?”

Pretty sure that should be got not go.

Sounds ok, but i'm afraid I don't know the setting really - not being a 40k fan myself - so you'll want someone else to check it over for you on that front.

Keep up the good work.
Report Spam   Logged

AMERICA here I come,
I will be out of the country - and away from internet - for the next 2-3 weeks.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step,
A story of a thousand words starts with a single thought.
EightyEight
Novelist
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Favorite Genre: Hard sci-fi
Posts: 160


Are we as offensive as we might be?


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2008, 08:31:21 am »

Looks good so far! As far as the setting goes, I can't spot any problems. Any given world in te Imperium is bound to be drastically different to any other, so you have pretty much free reign.

Quote
The ten men of Squad Ottowa were already clothed in the navy blue/white bodygloves of the Sousgrenier Arbites
Minor issue, but I don't know if blue/white is correct. Maybe stick an 'and' in.

Quote
Lieutenant Ranuel, up in the cockpit, visibly started as the Valkyrie next to his exploded.
'visibly stared' seems a little... well, the 'visibly' is unnecessary. It just doesn't strike me as the right word. Because, any staring is going to be visible, if you get what I mean... um... hmm.
I would say 'stared gaping' or something like that, describing how the character stared. 'visibly' doesn't really do that.
The shock of this is somewhat lost, and I don't know if you're going for that effect. If the Valkyrie was close to theirs, maybe you should add a little more reaction from the crew and squad. Maybe their Valkyrie is going to be hit by debris, or rocked by the explosion.

Quote
It had taken a missile directly to its crew compartment, and had been utterly gutted, cockpit to drop-ramp.
This is probably just personal preference, but I would say 'been gutted ccokpit to drop-ramp'. But that's just me

Quote
The tall, gangly Saall pitched forward and smacked his head on Brej’s knee, who was sitting opposite him. He got up, grumbling sourly, and armed his autorifle.
The action here is good, but it doesn't feel as if the Valkyrie is spinning over and over. The fact that Saall's grumbles are mentioned... sort o influences the reader into hearing them, if you see what I mean. So all the noise associated with large vehicles rolling is lost, and all the reader hears is grumbling. Plus, the fact that he arms his gun seems to imply he's not that interested in clinging to the ship for dear life.
Maybe the Valkyrie has stopped rolling at this point, but it may be good to mention that. If not, I would suggest something like 'He forced himself back up, adding sour grumbles to the chaotic noise of the passenger compartment'.
I would also question the necessity of putting the Valkyrie's signifier here. It breaks up the action a bit. Maybe move it to a less intense part of the story.

Quote
Ranuel banked hard to the right. At his side, Hommus was firing the transport’s lascannon, cracking off shots at the rapidly closing harvester. One round hit a long-barrelled autocannon the rebels had set up on the roof of the hump-backed harvester. Hommus fired again, at a gun near the massive threshing blades at the front of the goliath, but missed.
Again, nothing too wrong, but, IMO, the general chaotic nature of an air battle is lost when the reader get's crystal-clear descriptions of what happens. It's cool to mention whether the gunner's hitting or not, and what he hit - it helps the reader visualise the scene immensely. But they're not visualising the gunner desperately drawing a bead on anything that looks gun-shaped, seeing the crosshairs jitter and shake as he tries to line them up - they're visualising a lascannon shot destroying an autocannon.
I would change the focus to the gunner, rather than the targets.
Report Spam   Logged

Quote
He who keepeth a secret must keep it a secret that he hath a secret to keep.
-Sir Humphrey

Quote
Only a fool fights fire with fire.
-Me

Quote
The bakerman is laughing 'cause he's rolling in the gold...
-Midnight Oil, Bakerman
Rusk
Scribbler
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Favorite Genre: 40k
Posts: 4



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2008, 08:27:31 pm »

Thanks EightyEight (wow, 2 reply's - that must be more than pertty much everyone else's got), i believe it is time for me to shamelessly copy and paste your ideas into it - as you may have guessed, i'm kind of new to writing, compared to others.

Still need to put up pt.2... stop...being...lazy...

-Rusk
Report Spam   Logged

PINGU and MIGHTY BOOSH

The two wonders of the world
Pages: [1]
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum
Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines
Privacy Policy