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Amanda's Lament (WIP)

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Author Topic: Amanda's Lament (WIP)  (Read 574 times)
jazen
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« on: August 18, 2007, 05:48:58 pm »

First comments, will add more later as this is only on the first section. My comments are in the pink the rest of it is the story as it is in the previous post.

Chapter I

    My name is Amanda Emma Nash. I am a junior in high school.  I attend a really lame school named Buena Veria High.  I have long dirty-blonde hair; hazel eyes and somewhat white skin. Some of my older teachers comment that I have my grandmother Graceís eyes and my grandfather Tomís personality.         
                                                                                                                                                                   
    Buena Veria is a beautiful coastal city. Well technically it wasnít a city as it is more of a suburb of L.A.  Tenses, you change from present to past, and try a coma instead of a full stop after city.

    My father was a drunk and my mother was always gone.  I never met my mother or knew why she left me.  I always wondered why she was never around.  My father usually was drunk and angry.  My father never really wanted me.  It didnít really bother me.  Human nature was something I never really got.  I never understood it or cared for it that much.    Try Iíd never met my Mother, and donít know why she left me, Iíve always wondered why she is never around. Change was to is, use a comma after angry and use he instead of My father, the audience knows who you are talking about. Doesnít instead of didnítí.

    I met my first true friend in band camp.  He was a cute boy that I later grew to call my friend.  His name was Marshall Baker.  He was worried about his piano skills.  I listened to him play the piano.  He was really good for someone his age.  He was kind and very friendly to me.  I was able to tell him anyway without worry or care.  We dated a few years ago, but that failed in the end.  It was hard to say why we stopped dating.  We decided to stay friends instead. Too many short sentences, you can lengthen them easily.

    I met Jessica Nelson, my best friend, two years later.  She was about a year older then me.  I felt like she was my older sister.  She always looked very pretty especially when she wasnít wearing make-up.  She grew out more than I did, if you know what I meant.  Letís just say she was more curved than me.  She usually wore a pair of pants and a beautiful blouse.  She wore her hair in a ponytail for several years before she let it flow freely.  She had gone through four hair colors before she decided on a light blonde with black at the edges.  She showed me compassion, which I never felt before with my real mother.  She was kind of like a teacher, a mother and an older sister in one. Try she went through four hair colours before she decidedÖcompassion, which I had never felt from my real mother.

    After I met Jess, I soon met the man who would be someone I really needed most; a father figure.  His name was Jack Nelson, Jessicaís grandfather.  He was caring and wise. He taught me to fight and to write.  He taught me how to draw as well.   Remove the most. After Jack Nelson try he was Jessicaís grandfather. Put a comma after write instead of a full stop.

    I soon met Josie Harris.  She became my wild side, the side of me that wanted to rebel.

    I met my high school crush as a freshman.  His name was Lucas and I kind of liked him more than just as a friend. OK, so far so good, not sure whats happening yet, but Iím not really into the story yet, I just about know the main characters, but suspect the plot has something to do with her home situation, or that that will be changed at some point.
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AMERICA here I come,
I will be out of the country - and away from internet - for the next 2-3 weeks.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step,
A story of a thousand words starts with a single thought.


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