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Amanda's Lament (WIP)

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Author Topic: Amanda's Lament (WIP)  (Read 574 times)
Tau Worlock
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« on: April 17, 2007, 10:38:15 am »

Amada close’s her eyes 14 times (I think) in chapter one and two but she never opens them.  Wink

In you description of Mia you have five sentences beginning with ‘She’ I think with a little fiddling you could drop one or two of them.

waited a moment before I turned to face him, smiled and whispered, “Not Much, Marshall.”
‘Not much’ is probably sufficient so drop the Marshall

    “I’m good, it’s just I’m not sure if the drama teacher likes me or not. I mean he seems to think I’m clumsy or hard headed for some reason or another. I just feel a sense of condescension from him, even when he says nothing,” answered Mia.

I think most readers will know its Mia speaking so the ‘answered Mia’ is a bit redundant.

I took a deep breath before I went to work. A few minutes past before I went to bed.

I think we are missing something here, either some time or a sentence or two at least.

    “I’m just not sure if Lucas really likes me,” I replied as I walked alongside Mia.
Replied usually means that there was a question or comment before the current speaker, but here you have the first speaker replying. Replying to what?

    “No,” I replied quickly lied.

Either ‘I replied’ or ‘I quickly lied’ as it stands that dose not make sense.

The beginning of this chapter sounds ok but the end it is a bit … a bit rushed. The scene with the Child Protective Services people still seemed ok as far as I can tell but the scene with Josie and Jack seemed odd. They went onto the adoption subject way to quickly to sound real (in my opinion at least)
Finally the meeting with Michelle looked staged, it is unnatural. I can understand its role but at the moment it just dose not fell right. I would just have her say hello and so on and leave the entire adoption section till another chapter. That way we have what looks like an accidental meeting that’s unimportant but can be brought along later when it is needed.

I hope that this has helped.

When you write the next chapter but it aside for two or three days and then read it again then write down what you liked and not like about it. Also tell us what bits in your writing you are unhappy with. In essence critique your own work. That may help you with you over all writing.
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