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Amanda's Lament (WIP)

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Author Topic: Amanda's Lament (WIP)  (Read 574 times)
Tau Worlock
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« on: May 12, 2007, 10:33:05 am »

Nice to see another part of your story. That said I am afraid that I have a few bones to pick in there, this will sound a bit harsh, sorry.

Quote
    “Thanks,” I managed as we departed. I closed my eyes as I lay in bed. The following morning started calm as it normally did.


You make big jumps in time within these three sentences. The “I closed my eyes as I lay in bed.” Would have been better as a new paragraph if it is necessary and at the moment it isn’t really. You could have gone on and shown us what she was thinking before she fell asleep but by going straight to the next day you make that line unnecessary.

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I went through my normal routine; dressed up, got dressed, and went out the door.


“dressed up, got dressed,” ? either I am missing something here or the first one is not needed.

Quote
    I entered the school as I normally did. (1) It took me a while to realize something was up. I decided to investigate the computer lab. Something caught my attention as I entered. (2) Someone was hanging by a rope near the window cells. I froze in the threshold. It was Mr. Waldman, the computer lab teacher hanging from the ceiling like a piece of beef. His eyes were closed and his skin was a pale white as he dangled before me. (3) I turned and went to tell someone. So I went to the main office and told them what I saw. The person in the office went to investigate it. It took a while before she confirmed it. They called the police who arrived a few minutes later. (4) I went to class before they arrived. I had no choice, but to go to class before I threw up. My thoughts were concentrated on that single image. He was full of live just last week. It was hard to believe he would kill himself out of the blue. He was a kind man with a unique attitude. I knew him well even to know his intentions. It was hard to believe he’d kill himself. My mind was trying to wrap itself around this. It was hard to handle this. Something was missing here, something that makes no sense at all.

This entire paragraph could probably make a chapter out of itself if you work on the idea probably. See the numbered points below (corresponding to the bits after the numbers in the paragraph)

(1)   How come Amanda was the only person who realised something was up. She was not the first person in school so it is unlikely that he has no been found already. If nobody knew, then there should not have been something for Amanda to notice. Going straight to the computer room also seems unnatural.
(2)   By saying someone you imply that Amanda did not know the person but then you say she did. I think his eyes would be open if he died by hanging.
(3)   Three ‘went’ in as many sentences. I think the person in the office would have called in a senior teacher/head teacher/other important adult, instead of going herself. Also we have no emotional reaction from Amanda. She has just seen a person dead and all she dose is go to the office? No emotions? Maybe she is not a screaming kind of person but there would still be shock.
(4)   The police would have closed down the school. They would have interviewed Amanda and all other students/teachers that had anything to do with  Mr. Waldman. Having the day go on as if nothing happened would be bad police practise, would be against health and safety regulations (I think), would be irresponsible by the school, I think you get the idea.

In conclusion: I am sorry to say that you have not handled the idea of the hanged teacher that well. You did not think the consequences throw. With extensive rewrite you could turn this into an entire chapter.

The scene with Sabrina where they hacked into the laptop dose not sound right. How come that the laptop was so easy to get hold of? Also who can Sabrina tell so easily that someone got Amanda’s details so easily.

Since the meeting with Michelle has been changed the entire orphanage seen is out of place.

There are quit a few more things but I am too tiered to continue right now (2: 50 am is to early to think straight for to long), I will try and get round to them when I have some time.
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