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Pyro ~ Challenge 3

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jazen
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« on: May 05, 2007, 06:31:15 pm »

Challenge 3

Instead of starting with the end at the beginning and then going back (as happens all to often) this one will be starting in the middle then going back to tell what happed before going on and telling what happens next.

Limits

Setting - your choice
Word Count - no limits
Time - no limit
Content - no limit
Misc – the beginning of the story is the middle of the entire thing.

have fun


Heat,
Fire,
Burning,
Smoke,
I’m trapped,
I can’t get out
I know I can’t escape.

I drop to the floor and take of my shirt, it’s too hot anyway, I wrap it around my face to try and protect myself. I hope the others got out ok.
Ivy, Samantha, Ben, Rachel. I hope they make it, I know Rachel will look after the others – she always has looked out for us – but someone needs to look after her sometimes.
My chest is constricting, why on earth did I leave my inhaler at home.
Heat, it must be over 100 degrees in here,
The flames are licking at the door, red, so red – but not nearly as much as Sam’s hair.
Sam, I have to stay alive, I need to make it. I love her. I hope she knows that.


A new school, new teachers, new classmates, new friends – I hope. New enemies and bullies, I’m glad John is transferring with me, though I do hop he doesn’t go into protective mode to often – I can look after myself you know.
W are at the heads office now, we enter and there are two girls standing, chatting, as we enter they turn and greet us. They are Rachel and Samantha (it’s Sam) and are going to be showing us around. Sam is in my class and Rachel is in Johns.
As they lead us down the corridor to the canteen – it’s break time – I look around and wander how I will ever learn my way about.
We go straight to the front of the queue (courtesy of the head as it is our first day) and get a some pizza each, Rachel gets two plates full explaining that she is picking it up for a friend, apparently they eat the whole lunch at break as they have better things to do at lunch than to spend the whole time queuing.  After we had grabbed some cookies, cakes and drinks we headed over to a table.
A table at which sat the cutest guy I had ever seen, as we approached he stood – he was just under 6 foot – taller than me – and greeted the girls, taking the food that Rachel handed him and introduced himself as Ben, Sam told me that he is in our class (yes!)
The five of us spent break time chatting, the three of them have been good friends since Sam and Bens first year here when Rachel rescued them from a group of bullies.

Ring
Running fast
I hope the others got out
I can feel the heat from here



Popcorn, sweets, movies, chocolate, ice cream, what more is needed for three girls at a wakeover (we gave up calling them sleepovers years ago) – we are at my house, collapsed on a pile of cushions and pillows watching a mix of soppy romance movies and action movies interspersed with joking and chatting. The conversation will turn to boys soon I know.
It normally does around midnight, 2 guys in particular, and sure enough – Ivy brings up Ben and how cute he is with his beautiful brown eyes and that cute smile of his while brushing Sam’s waist length bright red hair. Sam of course responds with comments about how hot John is with his dark eyes and jet-black hair. Ivy’s response is, of course, that she has no idea what Ivy sees in John however why doesn’t Sam just ask him out – he wouldn’t turn her down.
Thy turn and question me, as they always do – who do I like? Lets s, there is a cute guy in my physics class, but I don’t really know him much more than his name and what he looks like. I don’t tell the girls this though, I tell them – as I always do – that there is no one and switch their attention back to the film.

I can see the tennis courts, I can see Ivy – her bright purple hair is hard to miss – and I think I just saw Ben, where is Sam and John? I do hope they got out. I can smell the smoke here – and John is asthmatic.


Serve. Volley. Reach for the ball. Point.
John and I fall into a pattern quickly and then we start chatting while keeping up the pattern. He thinks I should ask out Ivy – I’m the only guy he would trust to look after her and he knows I like her, and is pretty sure she returns the feelings.
I don’t think so somehow. I think he should ask out Samantha – and tell him such. I know that she likes him, I have known her for years, and she is all he talks about.

Heat, running, I can see Rachel, and Ivy – I run to her and hold her, I spot Sam from a distance. Where is John? I can hear the flames liking at the building.


We relax together, just the two of us on the garden swing in the rose gardens. We’ve just finished a nice meal at the best restaurant in town – I can’t believe we’ve been together 2 years today. Time flies, I guess, when you are in love, and I know we are, he stands up and leads me to his car, I get in beside him and he drives us to the may ball, we arrive just on time, I spot Rachel, her just past shoulder length hair is wavy and she is wearing a beautiful red dress. Ivy is in a black dress, her hair it’s natural colour – for once.
The evening is perfect and we dance through the night – possibly getting slightly drunk by the end of it. I didn’t get to be May Queen, none of us did – but then again none of us expected to be. One of the girls in John and Rachel’s year got it, Rosy I think her name was.

I rush out the building to the tennis courts, my legs on automatic as my eyes search the crowds for John, Ivy, Ben and Rachel. I spot Ben and Ivy first and then Rachel – but no John, where is he?


John, brother, where are you? I can feel the heat, it's so hot, unnaturaly hot, and you aren't where you should be.

John, where are you? you have to get out, who else sits next to me in clasee? I can smell the smoke and I can't see you.

John, mate, where are you? I can taste the fire, the heat, I can hear the fire but not your voice.

John, love, where are you? I can taste the fire, the heat, I can see the flames, I need to see you.

I drop to the floor everything is going black, I can't breathe.

The fire brigade rush into the building, that means that there is definitely someone in there, trapped still.
Where is John, don’t let him be trapped please.
We need him.
I was going to tell him tonight.
I can hear voices, as I insane * blackness *
They are bringing someone out. You better not be …
Is it John? Don’t, please don’t be …
John? Please don’t be …
John, you can't be, don't be ...
DEAD

They wan't us to 'identify the body' to look at him and confirm his identity, it's not enough for them that he was the only person not to make roll call on the field, no, that isn't enough evidence. They want us to look at him and confirm his identity. Sam took one look and burst into tears, Rachel is holding her at the moment. I look at him, and the tears can't come, I just want to scream, 'why him' but the words won't come.
Brother, why did you have to go.
Who's going to be Ben's best man at our wedding?
Who's going to look after Sam and...?
Whose going to pass notes to Rachel in class?
John, if you had to go then I hope you are in a better place.


I've been a mess since that day. How am I going to cope, how could I live without you? Yet I know I need to survive. To look after your child, our child.
I've told the others you know, I just wish you could have lived long enough to meet them, to know them, as it was I hadn't even told you.


Mum just told us everything. Showed us all the photos, she felt we had a right to know, to know who he was, she took us to his grave so we could put flowers there. Aunt Ivy and Aunt Rachel are with her now, I couldn't imagine going through what she went through, what they all went through.
We now know. The big fire that destroyed the old school destroyed a whole lot more than that - it killed our Dad, before we even knew him.


There. Done. That took a while. There are probably a number of errors, and it's not that good, but at least I tried.
I know parts of it aren't easy to read, I might go through it later and adjust the colours.
Plase let me know what you think.



Worlock ~ I corrected what spelling mistakes I could and adjusted the colours a bit for ease of read.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2007, 01:58:35 pm by Tau Worlock » Report Spam   Logged

AMERICA here I come,
I will be out of the country - and away from internet - for the next 2-3 weeks.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step,
A story of a thousand words starts with a single thought.

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Tau Worlock
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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2007, 02:04:46 pm »

The idea is ok but the story itself needs some work.

Having five different points of view going on at the same time is a bit many in a piece this short. I think you should drop down to maybe three points of view at most.

The way I took the entire thing was that we keep going back to the fire from everybody’s point of view and as such I could not really see a beginning or an end, just an endless middle (the last three paragraphs excluded)

Also in the beginning of some of the point of views you jumped quit large amounts of time without letting the reader catch up.

I can see what you tried to do with the idea but as it stands it is too short or too wide.

And I had to change the colour to make it easier to read.
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